Ever wanted roadmap vascularity? Mind-blowing muscle pumps? Slim and sexy abs?

Well look no further…

After a century of searching for the best ab-blasting, fat blow-torching, muscle slab building device, we have finally uncovered the best training tool used by man for hundreds of years…and now we’re marketing it for a limited time only

I introduce to you, the Cardio Log Training System:

Used by Bulgarian peasants, russian weightlifters, and Sylvester stallone to break all their fitness plateaus (and make future bargain bin movies)! Now available to you for only 14 pain-in-the-ass installments of $3.98 (loose change covered in molasses only please)

How does it get me fit, Charlie?

Good question! I could use a bunch of physiology to shroud and confuse you, but the idiots who lift logs don’t know any better and they are shredded beyond belief! (see: dumb people usually look the best). The secret is that lifting a big log is hard work! and that essentially means that your body either adapts or dies! The log workout is so effective that as soon as you stop using the log and go back to your Tae Bo tapes, you’ll actually get fat and die. It’s THAT effective!

Is it really good for “cardio” or is it more for strength? I don’t want to get huge, i just want to tone.

Gooder question! It can be used for both, but the body doesn’t really know the difference between “Strength” and “cardio”…if you lift a log over and over again, your heart rate will be through the roof! And if you’re worried about getting too big, do what the Russians do and don’t eat. They don’t eat because the mafia blockades and holds their food for ransom, but you can pretend and get the same effect instantly!

Ok Charlie, that all sounds great and it makes a lot of sense and i’m totally going to waste my money on buying a log to add to my collection of useless fitness items, but besides eating, what can i do nutritionally to make sure i get the most out of my log workouts?

Ok. Ok. I’ve been holding back an even bigger secret from you that has been practiced in war-torn countries for centuries…The secret to getting the best results lies in what the Bulgarians call “drinking your own urine”. That’s right! Drinking your own urine post workout will help transform you into a rough-and-tumble warrior with ripped abs and skull-crushing biceps in as little as one workout! In a study backed by no scientific body whatsoever, your own urine will re-hydrate you, make you sick enough to burn even more calories, get a great ab workout as you throw up shards of your own liver, and even cleanse your stomach of all that un-digested food that you ate previously. But don’t drink your own urine more than twice, otherwise you’ll die because it’s toxic! Wow-eee!

So what are you waiting for? ACT NOW and get the results that you’ve been waiting for!

WARNING: Statements not approved by the FDA. Cadio log is not meant to treat, prevent, or cure any disease. Please seek consent from a family physician before starting any exercise program.

Charlie Reid Uncategorized